"The holidays are coming up and Santa was checking his list twice to see whose been naughty or nice. The name Goran Lacan caught Santa's eye as having done abominable things to small monkeys inside the labs at UCLA. Santa had his elf or in this case, alf, check Lacan's department lab records.
Santa discovered that Goran Lacan studied human eating disorders like anorexia and obsesity in vervet monkeys by implanting electrodes into their skulls and backs and invoking painful stimuli. After a long period of time, he killed them. So early November 20th when Santa was out delivering pieces of coal to those who were naughty, one of his stops was Goran Lacan's house at 3448 Greenfield Avenue in Los Angeles.
When Santa went into his knapsack to pull out his last piece of coal he discovered that there wasn't any left, just a lone incendiary device. Santa thought this was the perfect gift to give a monster like Lacan and placed it under his car.
As the sun was coming up he headed back to the North Pole to check his list for other names of naughty vivisectors. Santa wished Lacan was in the car at the time the fuel ingnited, but hopefully he will be next time.
Santa sends this message to all vivisectors this holiday season: those who experimented on primates in the past, currently or thinking about it in the future, it may not be tomorrow or next month that his alfs will find you so that he can bring you other gifts you deserve.
Santa never forgets to give out presents to primate vivisectors.